A Look at Fantasy Bonding

Loving someone can mean a lot of things, for better or worse. We can love the reality of the person we are dating or the ideal they represent. If the former is lacking and the latter takes precedence, then we may have just entered into the realm of fantasy bonding.

What Is Fantasy Bonding?

According to Psychologist Dr. Robert Firestone, "Most people have fears of intimacy and are self-protective, while at the same time are terrified of being alone." To resolve this emotional dilemma, they form a fantasy bond, which replaces the substance of a loving relationship with the form of being a unit.

Going by the term itself, it refers to a situation where our bond with our partner is with a fantastical version of them instead of the real person. This means denying reality and holding on to an ideal; a mental doppelganger of our partner that does not really exist.

This does not imply, however, that it is wrong to hope for better things in the relationship. Yet, when that bond with the idealized version overtakes the bond with the real deal, then we deny ourselves a chance to have something genuine. Worse, we may even stay in relationships that no longer serve us when we choose to fantasy bond with our partner.

The Signs of a Fantasy Bond

Those who are curious to know whether they are in a fantasy bond or not can look out for a few common signs. The first thing to watch out for is a drop in genuine intimacy. This means a decreased display of actual affection and tenderness between partners.

In its place are routines meant to symbolize intimacy as opposed to living it. There will be far less spontaneity in the relationship, and the routines have a mechanical feel to them. There will also be a decrease in communication in terms of any actual effort to communicate and the desire for it to begin with.

In spite of all that, those engaged in fantasy bonding also display far less individualism. It can be as though the partners have surrendered their independence to the relationship as a whole. Another sign related to this is in how the couple speak: more often than not, they talk as a unit, citing we as opposed to I.

Why Do People Fantasy Bond?

At its core, fantasy bonding is rooted in fear. Many in relationships often struggle with intimacy. As the relationship deepens or progresses, those with intimacy issues turn to escapism to cope with the increased responsibilities. In creating an illusion of positive connection, these people can protect themselves from their unwanted feelings of vulnerability.

Fantasy bonding is also common among those in abusive relationships. To cope with their terrible reality, some abused individuals may cling to idealized versions of their abuser, in hopes that it will one day come true. Many who fantasy bond with their partners may have learned to do so in their childhood, due to rejection from emotionally distant parents.

While it is innately human to create and cling to ideals, fantasy bonding in adult relationships is far from a healthy habit. What's worse is that many do not even realize that they are engaging in this detrimental behavior, which only makes things worse for them in the long run. As great as love can be, it is always better for it to be real and genuine as opposed to something fictional.