How To Fix a Marriage: 8 Steps to Resolving Marital Conflict
Marriage is not a done deal with the conclusion of your wedding day. It may be on the last page of every fairy tale but in reality, the day you say “I do” is just the first page of your ever after. And it’s far from being endlessly happy.
Of course, marriage is a dream come true. We all want to spend our lives with that special someone who makes everything complete. But while many days are filled with bliss and romance, there will also be days replete with problems that test your commitment to each other.
Sometimes, these difficulties become too heavy to handle that we think the marriage is falling apart. However, challenges are an integral part of any relationship and it’s always possible to overcome them. Time, effort, and dedication are needed in learning how to fix a marriage.
What are the steps to do and how long does it take to fix a marriage? These questions depend on your particular circumstances and the problem you are facing. Also, you may need to consult a counselor or therapist to help you navigate the issue.
Here are some of the most frequent causes of problems in marriage.
Common Causes of Marital Problems
1. Lack of Communication
It might sound trivial but it’s the little things that when piled up makes a big difference. Poor communication doesn’t just happen when fights start. It’s actually often their root cause. Over time, they become misunderstandings that can affect the whole relationship.
Neglecting to open up when something bothers you, dealing with problems by yourself, and using disrespectful language are all part of the communication dilemma. Unhealthy ways of managing emotions also contribute to this problem.
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2. Infidelity
Cheating is a great fault, if not the greatest, that a spouse can commit in marriage. If a husband or a wife had an affair, the experience often crushes a marriage sometimes to the point of wanting to call it quits.
Infidelity can sometimes cause an impasse in a relationship but many couples have struggled and risen above it. We all want a faithful and blissful marriage but we are all humans and can commit mistakes, whether willingly or out of weakness.
Overcoming this trial demands a lot from a person but it’s an issue that is possible to solve. As there could be valid grounds to end a marriage, there are as well many reasons not to divorce after infidelity.
3. Financial Disputes
Money is often a sensitive topic and it can be one of the reasons for marital conflict when not kept in check. The constant flow of bills, debt, and random splurges are financially demanding and can cause frustrations to couples.
There can also be differences in income or unfair share of spending that causes arguments and jealousy. If the couple cannot find a balance and agree about their financial differences, it can result in endless fights that can become messy. If this is the case, healing a marriage will entail understanding where these financial disputes are rooted.
4. Trying to Change Each Other
On their wedding day, couples are often convinced they’ve chosen the perfect person to spend their whole life with. But when reality strikes and your differences and disagreements are getting on your nerves, you then wish they would change back to the way they were before or to someone else entirely.
Changing the other person is not the way how to fix a marriage. This is crossing each other’s boundaries and devaluing the uniqueness of the other. One may impose their beliefs on the other or set behavioral expectations. Over time, you can feel suffocated and unappreciated in such a relationship.
5. Lack of Time and Intimacy
Married life can quickly become busy. Household chores, taking care of children, and pressure from work all compete for your time and attention. It’s easy to set aside quality time with your spouse thinking it’s not an urgent priority like the rest on your to-do list.
But little do you know, skipping dates and neglecting goodbye kisses gradually turns into a loss of connection. This causes misunderstandings, loneliness, and isolation. The worst case is you feel estranged, finding yourself wondering how to fix a marriage after growing apart.
Habits of a Healthy Marriage
To avoid these problems, agree on practices you can do together to keep your marriage healthy and growing. These are some tried and tested habits that help married couples keep a relationship strong and happy.
1. Be Affectionate
Love is what keeps a relationship alive. But what couples often neglect is expressing it. Your spouse always needs that affectionate reminder and so do you. Saying “I love you” to each other, hugs and kisses, and making efforts like preparing their favorite meal are gestures that make your love concrete and known to the other.
Be familiar with each other’s love languages and act on them regularly. Don’t underestimate the power of an affectionate word or touch. When your relationship is going through turbulent waters, it can be enough to rekindle the fire and even restart your marriage.
2. Date Regularly
Spending time together as a couple is not a luxury but a necessity. Since you live under one roof, you might think you’re already doing that. But quality time is not about discussing the payables or mindlessly going through the chores. Every couple needs to dedicate some time regularly to just breathe and enjoy each other’s company.
Like your dates before getting married, continuing to do so will bring you closer and refill your love tanks. It may not be as easy to find the time with the crazy schedules of married life but you can be creative with your dates to accommodate what is possible for you. The point is to spend quality time with your spouse.
3. Open and Vulnerable Communication
Communication is the bread and butter of any relationship, more so in marriage. Since you are partners in life, you need to be on the same page with them and you can only do that through constant and effective communication.
Sharing updates on work and the children, and confiding your daily struggles and joys are some ways of maintaining communication. Be vulnerable and honest. Don’t assume but ask. Trust that your partner will listen with respect when you need to open up and do the same for them.
Healthy communication is a basic element from starting out a relationship until dealing with how to fix a marriage. Without these conversations, it’s impossible for a partnership to last.
4. Address Arguments Promptly
True to the adage, don’t let the sun go down without reconciling with your spouse. But that doesn’t mean that you should fix everything in 24 hours. It’s a reminder to commit to resolving issues instead of making them bigger than they are.
Be quick to humble yourself and meet halfway. Even if it’s hard to say sorry immediately, reach out to them in other ways. Having the ability to lower one’s pride and prioritize the relationship before oneself are signs your marriage will survive infidelity, betrayal, miscommunications, and everything in between.
5. Share Your Goals and Dreams
Your partner’s goals and dreams are some of the things they value the most. Sharing and asking about them shows that their dreams are yours too. Be concerned and interested. Support them when they try out something new or achieve milestones they’ve been working for. Your faithful support will be an indispensable inspiration and strength for them as they reach for their goals.
How to Fix A Marriage
Maintaining such habits will help ensure you from devastating conflicts. However, if you see that your marriage needs a more extensive intervention, then these steps on how to fix a marriage might be what you’re looking for.
1. Don’t Postpone
How long does it take to repair a marriage? It will definitely take long if you keep ignoring the issue. If you’ve been sensing discord for some time now, don’t wait another day or week to talk about it with your spouse.
It’s better to clear up seemingly trivial things earlier than to hesitate too long only to make them more complicated in the end. Take initiative in having a serious talk. You will not regret it and your spouse will thank you for your effort.
2. Be Kind and Gentle When Discussing Conflicts
When speaking about problems with your spouse, remember to have a non-judgmental and kind disposition. Be honest but respectful when sharing your side. Don’t blame or shame but simply express how you feel and what you need.
Likewise, when your spouse shares their side, listen with empathy. Avoid assumptions or criticisms but be open to what they want to say. They will feel accepted and loved by your gentleness and attention.
In the case that you are guilty of the problem, lying or defending yourself is not a way to fix a relationship you ruined. Humbly admit your fault and receive your partner’s reaction without making excuses for yourself.
3. Identify the Problem
Discussions can sometimes be complex with many emotions and perspectives getting into the mix. While it is important to express and listen to each other, don’t forget the point of the discussion in the first place.
Focus on identifying the issue at hand. Maybe there are many issues at the same time but try to determine what has the biggest weight or the root cause of the conflicts and start from there. As they say, identifying the problem is solving half of it.
4. Forgive Each Other
Once you’ve determined the issue at hand, accept your share in it. Ask forgiveness from your spouse and accept their forgiveness as well. In the case of infidelity, asking for forgiveness and showing effort to change are essential ways of helping your spouse heal from your affair.
Often, this is tough to go through. Allow yourself to take some time to cool down and reflect on it if you need to. In the end, forgiveness is better when it comes from the heart.
5. Agree and Commit
Working out the solution together is easier when you are reconciled because your intentions are united. Agree on resolutions that each of you can do and commit to them. Maybe you need to have some rules or guidelines about behavior, schedules, or responsibilities.
If there are several issues simultaneously, you can discuss them one at a time. Pick your battles or else you will be exhausted. Take note as well that this is a work in progress. Your resolutions might need reconsideration or a partner might be hesitant about your recommitment after infidelity.
Don’t be discouraged by initial hiccups. It will take hard work. Communicate openly with your partner, try different options, and speak with trusted friends to help you navigate this phase.
6. Look for the Positives
While resolving conflicts can be filled with negativity and obstacles, never lose sight of the positive side of your partner. You married them for many good reasons but sometimes we forget these along the way.
Appreciate their cooperation and dedication to saving your marriage. Understand where they’re coming from and sympathize with how they feel. Filling your mind and heart with this positive light will strengthen your work together and make the burdens seem lighter.
7. Rekindle the Flame
Reminisce the moments when your relationship was just starting– the butterflies in the stomach, the first date, and that feeling of not getting enough of each other. Remind yourself what attracted you to your partner and why you wanted to marry them in the first place.
These memories are part of the foundation of your relationship. They attest to your enduring love and give hope of renewing the relationship. Remember, the smallest spark has every potential to become a blazing fire.
8. Seek Counseling
Marital problems are often better addressed through counseling as a couple. There is no shame in asking for professional help. It might even make your problem-solving more efficient and fruitful.
However, if things are not getting better even after a considerable time, you might need to fix your marriage by fixing yourself first. Conflicts in marriage might be rooted in deeper wounds that you need to revisit in your personal history.
Take time to go through the healing process. It will require a lot from you and your relationship but in the long run, it will prove to be a sustainable way to heal your marriage.
How to fix a marriage is not easy at all. It needs mutual work and responsibility. It also takes a lot of your time and energy that can affect other aspects of your life like career and family. But if you are serious about wanting to save your marriage, then all your effort will surely pay off and you will experience a more loving and fulfilling marriage in the long run.
