Finding Love After Divorce: Try Again or Never Again?
To love again or not?
Finding love after divorce is always possible but not always easy. Some carelessly jump into another relationship while others close themselves up swearing never to fall in love again.
Both extremes would not be the wisest step since divorce is a major change in one’s life that cannot just be put aside with a new beau. But neither is it a paralysis that shuts down any hope of love. There is more to life than a failed marriage but it will take growth and effort to discover what that is.
Meanwhile, practical questions may be rattling through your mind: Where will I live? What do I need to pack? How will I spend my weekends? But so too the deeper questions: How do I start over? Will I ever be happy? Can I find love after divorce?
Reasons Why Couples Decide to Divorce
No one ever wishes a divorce for themselves but sometimes you are left with no choice but to do so for the good of yourself and your relationship. How a loving partnership ends up in a bitter separation is a complicated question but here are the most common reasons why couples choose to divorce.
Lack of Commitment
Marriage is founded on a mutual promise to build a partnership for life. Such a relationship demands faithfulness from both parties. Without one or both fully committing to it, it is impossible for marriage and the couple to be sustained.
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Infidelity
An extramarital affair is one of the most heartbreaking things that can happen to a marriage. When your partner has said “I do” to you and only you, the reality that he or she is capable of breaking that is at times impossible to accept.
Incessant Conflicts
When couples fight again and again often about the same thing, it shows that deeper issues may exist. Lack of communication, compassion, and understanding will only hinder reconciliation. When the couple does not face and resolve conflicts together, their marriage will be at stake.
Marrying at a Young Age
With youth comes more passion and less rationality. But sometimes couples don’t realize that until they’re older and nursing regrets of their decision to marry early. This may be the reason why statistically, many who tie the knot at a young age end up in divorce.
What to Do After a Divorce
Realize that when you get a divorce, a lot is going on inside and around you.
A sinking marriage plagued by betrayal, anger, and loneliness can bring down one’s heart and life. Add to that, the decision and process of divorce could make you confused and drained in the middle of sorrow. Not to mention the logistics, financial settlements, and consequences on family life that this all entails.
All these take time to go through and accept. You don’t have to rush anything or fix yourself up. Falling in love too soon after divorce may make things more complicated. Even if you think you’ve finished dealing with the divorce legally and practically, don’t forget the emotional and psychological aspects as well.
Before you go ask yourself “Will I find love again?” ask first how you can take care of yourself during this difficult period. Remember these tips to help you move on and prepare for life ahead.
Allow Yourself to Mourn
Divorce is a substantial loss that will naturally take a toll on you and your life. Allow yourself to patiently go through the process of loss and mourning. It may mean days of crying and complaining or going on a short trip to have a change of environment. Or just taking some moments of silently walking and pondering to digest it all in.
Learn from the Past
Though you might feel your marriage was a waste, it’s undeniable that it has formed a big chunk of your life. Every event has a purpose with lessons to learn. Try to look back on your story with your previous partner and list the positive and negative aspects of that relationship. Pull out the lessons that they offer and reflect on them. Difficult experiences may bring you down but benefiting from their lessons will eventually help you up.
Work on Yourself
Confronted with your hurts and mistakes, this present hardship can be turned into a profitable time of knowing yourself more deeply. You may want to see a psychologist or counselor to help you in this personal work. Try to understand your history, the wounds exposed by the failed relationship, your needs, and how you can heal and nurture yourself. This will be crucial in your growth to a better you.
Love and be Loved
Fulfillment in love is not just about falling in love after divorce. Love is always within your reach through loving your family and friends, and also loving yourself. Surround yourself with people who appreciate and encourage you. Show love to them as well through your gifts, actions, and presence. When you start to love, love itself will come and find you.
Challenges of Finding Love After a Divorce and How to Overcome Them
Now that you’ve worked on yourself and replenished your love batteries, you are more prepared to open wide the doors to love again. However, this venture poses some challenges. For those dating after divorce at 40, 30, or any age, here are some dilemmas that divorcees commonly face.
Ready or not?
Starting over after a divorce may be a push and pull. Sometimes you feel you’re totally healed and excited to love again but other times you think your life is full of junk that you can’t imagine someone getting attracted to you. These hesitations are normal but remember how much you’ve worked on yourself and how much you’ve grown. Take courage and don’t let your fears curtail your chances at the outset.
Trust Issues
Trust is essential in any relationship and is often the most challenging element. This is why it’s important to go through your past to know more deeply where your trust issues are coming from. Once you allow yourself to heal from your weaknesses and fears, you will not see people through your lenses of wounds but through a secure heart that is free to trust yourself and others.
Comparisons
Having come from heartbreak, your previous relationships may still cast a shadow on your present. You may tend to compare probable dates with former partners or compare yourself with others making you feel insecure in a new relationship after divorce. But remember that you are now at a fresh start. Thank your past and embrace who you are now. Whether you’re dating a divorced man in his 40s, or a person younger than you, everyone is unique. Be free from comparisons and you’ll be more open to a new future.
Doubts and Discouragements
Doubts may recur with the question “Am I going to find love again?” But do not be discouraged. Take doubts as a warning to avoid the same mistakes but also as a reminder that you are stronger and wiser now and are more ready to face challenges than you were before. There is no perfect relationship and every person including yourself will inevitably make mistakes. Be patient. Forgive and let go. And doubts will have nothing on you.
You may be tempted to think dating someone who is divorced is not enticing to anyone. But you don’t want to attract that kind of person who doesn’t appreciate you for who you are anyway. You are good and valuable. You have your own story and journey.
Take things one step at a time. Finding love after divorce is not impossible. Don’t hurry but don’t be too cautious. Be open so that when love comes knocking at the door, you’ll be ready.
