The Allure of Emotionally Unavailable Partners

Dating is tough. Always has been, always will be.

Part of that has to do with the approach many of us take when choosing partners. Whether we mean to or not, there is the tendency to go for those who aren’t quite right: those who leave us hanging; those who can’t reciprocate how we feel; and those who don’t quite meet standards we would normally set.

As some would label them: the emotionally unavailable.

For those of us set on practicing radical honesty, we can say outright why we tolerate any of the bad behavior we get from these partners. Perhaps we were lonely and vulnerable when the chance meeting happened and we didn’t want to feel that way anymore.

Perhaps it was the unshakable charisma that just made us fall hook, line, and sinker. Or maybe the person who wasn’t right for us was just that hot and we were just too shallow to overlook everything else, all the while promising ourselves that we wouldn’t catch feelings.

It could be any (or all) of those things and it would be technically accurate. However, just admitting loneliness or a high level of attractiveness doesn’t quite do it justice. So, let’s delve past those surface level reasons to discover why emotional unavailability possesses the allure that it has.

The Thrill of the Chase Excites Us

Sometimes, we know deep down that the person we’re flirting with isn’t right. However, rather than accept that and move on, the unavailability becomes exciting for one reason: the chase. If they aren’t available, then the chase never ends. It perpetuates a loop that, in the end, satisfies no one.

Our Attachment Style Encourages Unavailability in Partners

Besides the love of the chase, there’s also the attachment styles that all of us have. Those with anxious attachment fear abandonment and are easy to mistrust. The natural intimacy cravings, coupled with those aforementioned issues, can lead to the selection of people with emotional unavailability.

We Have Lingering Codependency Issues

Some of us take a look at an unavailable partner and get this idea that he or she is someone we can fix. Maybe we also crave a need for approval, as well as possess the tendency to do more than what’s needed from us. Those are just a few signs, but if those sound familiar, then our codependency might be the problem.

Our Chosen Partners May Not Be the Only Unavailable Ones

Sure, we may choose those who aren’t emotionally available to our detriment, but what does that say about us? There are times when it’s like looking in a mirror. We chase the unavailable because we are the same way to those who are available. Anxious styles and codependency can also be signs of our own unavailability.

As they say, it can take one to know one. Maybe, when we pick these kinds of partners, we’re just picking within the parameters of our current capacity. “The One” for us may just be a fantasy hidden behind layers of issues that we have not yet dealt with within ourselves.

Although it doesn’t feel like it, emotionally unavailable partners do have their allure. It may not be for right or healthy reasons, which is why it pays to be self-aware of our reasons for choosing them. Even if it means confronting aspects of ourselves that may be similarly unhealthy.